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BDSM Jokes

These jokes are public domain.

The webmaster cannot be held responsible for the poor quality of these jokes (except for the riddle about the German rubber fetishist.)
 

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally? Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new truck.


Q: What's green and carries a bill whip?
A: Kermit the Flog


Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.  They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.  The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK.  We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is aghast.  "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."


One day Mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."  


Q: What's the difference between Sensuous and Kinky?
A: Sensuous they use the feather,
   Kinky they use the whole chicken.


The Millers were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Miller turned to his wife: "Show him your tooth, Honey."


Q: What do you call a gay hairy 300 pound German rubber fetishist?
A: A Gummi Bear.


Warning - A really bad riddle:

Q: Why did the submissive cross the road?
A: Because her Master told her to.


Q: How do you stop a submissive/slave from blinking?
A: Unplug them.


True Masochist to a True Sadist: Hurt me.
True Sadist to a True Masochist: No.


You know you are kinky when ...

  • ... You hear about a Bridal Fashion Show to be held in your town, and you think, "Cool! I've always wanted to see what pony gear looks like ON someone!"
  • ... Your entire Music collection consists of music you can Scene to.
  • ... You give a new song a rating of 65....it's got a good beat and you can squirm to it.
  • ... You start to salivate and get aroused as you pass the local candle factory.
  • ... You always smell like Yankee Candle's Scent-Of-The-Month.
  • ... Canning season gets you *really* excited.
  • ... You see a sign in front of a house that reads, Chairs Caned, and you think to yourself, "Gee, some people are BLATANT about being out. YKIOKIJNMK"
  • ... You see a sign in front of a house that reads, Chairs Caned, and you stop to see if the poor Dom/me needs a PERSON to cane.
  • ... Citibank calls you because someone used your credit card to make a huge purchase at a tack shop in another state, and they know that you live in a metropolitan area and don't own a horse.
  • ... You make your vacation destination decisions based on that area's Assault and Battery, Consent, and Sexual Deviance laws.
  • ... Your Avon Representative politely informs you that the company has no plans to make that Eau de Leather scent you have been pestering them about.
  • ... Your idea of Fantasy Island looks far more like "Exit to Eden" than anything they showed on TV.
  • ... They know you by name, size, and favorite colors at *four* local leather shops.
  • ... You need an 18-wheeler to haul all your toys to a party.
  • ... Your son's Boy Scout Troop thinks you are way cool because you helped them earn their merit badge for knot tying.

The top ten reasons nipple rings are a GOOD idea:

    #10. You gain a new and much higher threshold for pain.

    #9. You have more than just your purse to keep from losing your car keys.

    #8. With a little body english and a short copper wire, you can pick up
    pay-per-view if the weather is right.

    #7. You can now jump car batteries without cables.

    #6. With only a spinning table and spot light you can earn extra cash
    renting yourself out to Club parties.

    #5. Those nasty stretch marks are no longer the center of attention for
    your husband or boyfriend.

    #4. You always have a ready replacement if you lose your wedding ring.

    #3. Every elf in the universe is now your loyal friend for life.

    #2. Hanging ten is childs play. Hanging by two?? Now thats impressive!

    #1. Hard vibrators can be "way more" than a girl's best friend.

The top ten reasons nipple rings are a BAD idea:

    #10. Perpetual delays at airport security scanners.

    #9. Potential law suits from elderly people with pacemakers.

    #8. A friend asks to see your ring and in a blonde moment you almost do it.

    #7. For some reason, combs will seem like threats.

    #6. Mud wrestling as an occupation is no longer an option.

    #5. Cats and babies are attracted to shiny things.

    #4. You'll now have to deal with Velcro nightmares.

    #3. The aging process has taken on a whole new meaning.

    #2. Skinny dipping is a real challenge because of your artificial lures.

    #1. Lightning... it's not just something that happens to other people
    anymore.


Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear a sub say to their Master

  1. How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to put your leather pants in the washer?
  2. Yeah, right... SPANK THIS!
  3. Tomorrow night, I get to tie you up, right?
  4. God, you Dom's think the world should bow before you!
  5. And just what do you think you are going to do with that paddle?
  6. Sorry, I got a date tomorrow night. Some other time, perhaps?
  7. Spanking? I-THINK-NOT!
  8. Who died and left you in charge?
  9. Do your own damn laundry!
    • And the #1 thing you will never hear a sub say to their Master...

  10. What do I look like, your maid?

You Might Be A Wannabe (Doms)

If you ever use the phrase "A real sub wouldn't have a problem doing that"... you might be a Wannabe If you think the word "submissive" means the same thing as "easy"... you might be a Wannabe

If you think leading your sub around by a leash in the supermarket is appropriate entertainment for everyone... you might be a Wannabe

If you think it's perfectly acceptable to address all submissives as "slut"... you might be a Wannabe

If you think SSC stands for "See Submissives Cower"...you might be a Wannabe

If your vanity plate reads "MSTR-2-U"... you might be a Wannabe

If you enter a chat room and command all the subs to call you Sir... you might be a Wannabe

If you're trying to book a flight to GOR... you might be a Wannabe

If you think all subs put out on the first date... you might be a Wannabe

If you think the only purpose for nipple piercing is to have a place to hang your car keys... you might be a Wannabe

If you think the GOR novels are based in fact... you might be a Wannabe

If you can't understand why a sub refuses to meet you for the first time alone at your place... you might be a Wannabe

If you think limits are nothing you need to consider seriously... you might be a Wannabe

If you think safewords are for sissies... you might be a Wannabe

If you think placing a "Sir" or "Master" in front of your nick name automatically makes you a Dom... you might be a Wannabe

If you think R/L is just like cyber... you might be a Wannabe

If you think using lube for fisting or anal play is too kind... you might be a Wannabe (or a really mean sadist)

If you have to constantly refer to the owner's manual to use your toys... you might be a Wannabe

If you think Dom's can't show their feelings and need to be cold and aloof... you might be a Wannabe

If you have any reason to fear ATF Agents could confiscate your toys... you might be a Wannabe

If you think the KGB Interrogation Manual is the definitive "how to" book for BDSM... you might be a Wannabe.

If you think sterile needles for play piercing are too expensive to only use once... you might be a Wannabe

If household items don't inspire you (wooden spoons, clothespins, etc.)... you might be a Wannabe

If you think electricity play consists of plug in socket/exposed wires touching sub... you might be a Wannabe

If you think a bullwhip is the best choice for a warm up tool... you might be a Wannabe


You Might Be A Wannabe (Subs)

If you don't know what "R/L" means... you might be a Wannabe

If you think it's not necessary to communicate what you need or want to your Dom because what you want is not important... you might be a Wannabe

If you've never considered the possibility that your online Master is really a 14-year-old named Jason... you might be a Wannabe.

If you think being collared and spanked online qualifies you as an experienced sub... you might be a Wannabe.

If you think you have no limits... you might be a Wannabe

If you think using your safeword means you're not a "real" sub... you might be a Wannabe

If you consent to wearing a Dom/Domme's brand at your first R/L session with Him or Her... you might be a Wannabe

If you think bruises and broken limbs are standard bdsm play....you might be a Wannabe

If you think you must have total respect for anyone who calls himself/herself Dom/Domme... you might be a Wannabe

If you think the best sub is the one who can stand the most pain... you might be a Wannabe

If you think R/L is just like cyber... you might be a Wannabe

If you consent your first live meet with a Dom/me without using a safety net... you might be a Wannabe

If you think being a sub is all about being abused... you might be a Wannabe

If you think CBT means "Come and Bring Toys"... you might be a Wannabe

If you have to remove your collar so your Master can walk his dog... you might be a Wannabe (and your Dom is really cheap)

If you think sub-space is the cage a Dom keeps His or Her sub in... you might be a Wannabe

If you think enemas are only given for medicinal purposes...you might be a Wannabe

If you think submission means never saying "no"... you might be a Wannabe

If you have to spit out your chewing tobacco before you can be gagged... you might be a redneck as well as a Wannabe

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