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Abuse
Domestic abuse should not be confused with consensual BDSM. The webmaster abhors domestic violence, abuse, and rape. This document includes several links, a list of mostly local resources, and a statement from the Lesbian Sex Mafia (LSM).
I had trouble naming this section of my web site. Originally I wanted to name it "BDSM vs. Abuse." to make the point that consensual BDSM is distinct from domestic violence. But that would have implied that the two were mutually exclusive. As much as our community largely abhors domestic violence, abuse, and rape, the unpleasant truth is abuse has been and still is an issue in our community. That must be acknowleged and addressed. So I renamed it "Abuse or BDSM."
Most recently I changed the name to simply "Abuse." Since the title of the web site includes the term "BDSM," including it in the name of the section is redundant.
In-Page Table of Contents
Defining the Problem in the BDSM Community
- Is S/M Abusive? on the SSB-B (Soc.Subculture.Bondage-Bdsm) FAQ
- Leather Leadership Conference III Statement on Abuse
- The Difference Between SM and Abuse: a statement from Lesbian Sex Mafia (LSM)
- Abuse in BDSM by SilverOz
- Signs Your Partner May Be Abusive
- The National Leather Association-International Official Statement on Domestic Violence
- Comments on the Line Between Consensual and Abusive SM by Gloria Brame
- Playing and Staying Safe by Gloria Brame
- Abuse: part of BDSM Background Information, a series of articles from the POWERotics Foundation
- BDSM vs. Abuse by Sir Bamm!
- The Illusoria - Collaborators in Abuse and Murder by Rowan Ste. Julian
If thou dost ill, the joy fades, not the pains;
If well, the pain doth fade, the joy remains.
- Benjamin Franklin
Support for Victims of Abuse, Domestic Violence, and Sexual Violence
- Call 911 for police emergency
- Creative Communications Group Domestic Violence Handbook: This guide covers identifying abuse, the cycle of violence, making a safety plan, personal protection orders, and counseling.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (24 hours)
- Rape Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)
- For finding support in Texas, I have a Texas section on this site with pages for specific cities.
- In Austin, see the In Case of Rape or Violence in Austin section on the "Austin" page.
- In San Antonio, see the In Case of Rape or Violence in San Antonio section on the "San Antonio" page.
- In Houston, see the In Case of Rape or Violence in Houston section on the "Houston" page.
- In the Dallas - Fort Worth Metroplex, see the In Case of Rape or Violence in DFW on the "Dallas / Fort Worth Metroplex" page.
- Elsewehere in Texas, see In Case of Rape or Violence in Texas section on the "Texas" page.
Psychopaths have an uncanny ability to spot and use 'nurturant women' -- that is, those who have a powerful need to help or mother others. Many such women are in the helping professions -- nursing, social work, counseling -- and tend to look for the goodness in others while overlooking or minimizing their faults: 'He's got a problem but I can help him,' or, 'He had a such a rough time as a kid, all he needs is someone to hug him.' These women usually take a lot of abuse in their belief that they can help; they are ripe for being left emotionally, physically, and financially drained.
- Robert D. Hare, PhD
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us
Personal Bill of Rights
Author Unknown
- Life should have choices beyond mere survival.
- I have a right to say no to anything when I do not feel ready or when it's unsafe.
- Life should not be motivated by fear.
- I have a right to all my feelings.
- I am probably not guilty.
- I have a right to make mistakes.
- There is no need to smile when I cry.
- I have a right to terminate conversations with people who make me feel diminished and humiliated.
- I can be healthier than those around me.
- It's okay for me to be relaxed, playful, and frivolous.
- I have a right to change and grow.
- It is important to set limits and to take care of myself.
- I can be angry with someone I love.
- I can take care of myself, no matter what circumstances I am in.
- I do not have to be fully healed to be fully worthwhile.
- I do not have to be perfect to be perfectly happy.
I do not have to be perfect, period. NO ONE ELSE IS!
Flowers
Author Unknown
We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry cause he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today, and it wasn't mother's day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again, it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money?
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral!
Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today.......
If you are against domestic abuse, please pass this along to everyone, NOT just women.
1 Corinthians 13
Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy.
It does not boast, it is not proud
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres
Elsewhere on EvilMonk.org
For advice on finding non-abusive, consensual BDSM play partners, please see this site's other sections (especially the Dating and Communication section.) They contains many essays and resources including:
- Ten Tips for the Novice, Single, Heterosexual, Submissive Woman by Jay Wiseman,
- Some Notes on Safety for Meeting Online and Off by Ambrosio
- Jay Wiseman's book review of The Gift of Fear: This is a great book about intuition and the warning signs that most of us ignore. I recommend it to all my submissive friends. It has one chapter in particular about recognizing early on the signs of an abusive relationship.
