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Meeting Someone Else into BDSM
On occasion, someone writes me for advice on meeting others into BDSM. Here is my reply (more or less) to a woman who wanted to meet straight dominant men.
Dear submissive,
You wrote asking me for advice find a straight male dominant. I will try to answer your question as best I can. I don't cosnider myself an expert on the subject but I've learned things over the years and I'm happy to share with you some of my opinions and thoughts.
Here goes: It's easy to find a straight dominant (or some one who claims to be.) What's more important is finding the right straight dominant -- someone who is concerned with your safety and well being and is compatible.
Yes. There is more to compatibility than having the right role. BDSM is not a "one size fits all" proposition. Not all tops are
My first suggestion is attend socials such as the SAS/M socials in San Antonio and the Group With No Name munches in Austin: It's a great way to meet a lot of people on safe, neutral ground.
Get to know people in the scene -- not just the straight dominants but the submissives and switches of all sexes and orientations. Everything you can learn about our community can help you. Don't commit yourself to finding a Dom immediately. Get to know them as people, find out their interest, gauge them for a similar concept of BDSM, find out what they want, and decide if you are compatible.
Avoid dominants who come on too strong. I wouldn't trust someone who feels as though they need to prove their dominance. A good dominant shouldn't feel the need. Walk away from someone who tells you "If you were a true submissive you would do this." Submission is a gift given freely, not stolen. A good dominant will respect a submissive who chooses carefully.
If someone intrigues you, ask around about him. Consider carefully the advice of a submissive who recommends her top too highly. As a good submissive, she might feel obligated to do so. Consider the advice of a submissive "free agent" who plays with several tops.
I think going the s/munches is the best way to meet the right dom but there are other ways. Go to parties, observe, and mingle (but go to the socials and make friends first.) Post and answer personal ads.
Once you've found a dom you are intrigued with you need to consider safety. Sadly there are dangerous people out there who deliver more than they promise. Read my article "Some Notes on Safety for Meeting Online and Off" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/safenote.cfm and Jay Wiseman's "Ten Tips for the Novice, Single, Heterosexual, Submissive Woman" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/10femtip.cfm.
I hope this information is useful.
Sincerely,
Further Reading on Relationships
If you are new to this lifestyle, you might benefit from reading some of these articles.
- Ten Tips for the Novice, Single, Heterosexual, Submissive Woman by Jay Wiseman
- Three Essays on Finding a Domme by Ms Margo
- "Some Notes on Networking, Cruising, and Dating" by Ambrosio
- Some Notes on Safety for Meeting Online and Off by Ambrosio
For many more articles on dating and communication, visit this site's Relationships section.
Additional Articles by Ambrosio
- Eleven Short Tips for BDSM Novices
- Some Notes on Safety for Meeting Online and Off
- Meeting Someone Else into BDSM
- An Open Letter to a Novice Domme
- Perverted Vocabulary: a Glossary of Terms Used in BDSM
- Some Notes on Netiquette and 'Net Basics
- Marginalia on the Old Guard, Leather Traditions, and BDSM History
- Play Nice: Some Notes on Scene Etiquette and Leather Protocol
- A Proposed "Pansexual Protocol"
- BDSM Gone Bad: Reporting Non-Consensual "Play" and Rape to the APD
Additional articles by Ambrosio can be found under the "My Writings" heading on his About Me page.