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Response to a Kinky Woman

Posted with the author's permission

A woman had written to the KUFS list wondering and worrying about the relationship she was in.  She had enjoyed dating this fellow for more than a year and he seemed to be a wonderful gentleman.  He was completely aware of her interest in being dominated and was not at all scared away by all of her "unusual" desires.

But she just couldn't get things to "CLICK."  He continually passed on the opportunity to dominate her and this constant cycle of her offering herself on a silver platter and him seeming to demonstrate almost no interest in owning her.  And she had gotten to the point where she was frantically searching for the "Right Signal" to let him know that he could have her ...  If only he would give the correct response.

I answered back with the following ...

  1. We often make the mistake of lumping people into 2 large categories.
  2. ( 1 ) Those who crave BDSM
    ( 2 ) Those who fear or run from BDSM

    When we do this, we mistakenly ignore the 3rd category

    Those who aren't against BDSM but who aren't turned on by it.

    And it is sounding very much like you are involved with someone who is in category 3.  He is perfectly willing to "let" you be you.  But that doesn't necessarily mean that he is wiling to "assist" you in being you.

  3. It is easy for you to think that you're making him a really great offer.
  4. "I'll be your love, sex and pain slave if you let me."

    But the problem is that you're offering to give a sports car to a guy who is only interested in finding basic transportation. He doesn't care about all the extra bells and whistles that come with a Lexus. A Ford Escort will do him just fine. And he's going to drive the Lexus in exactly the same way as he would drive the Escort.

    So all of the "Special Features" are going to wind up going unused and unappreciated.

  5. Don't be afraid to engage in a bit of business negotiation.  Successful relationships often depend on the proper bartering of services ... "I'll do this for you if you'll do that for me."
  6. Tell him straight up ...
    "I need an evening of X, Y and Z.  What will it cost me?"
    "Do you want a massage?"
    "Do you want a blow job?"
    "Do you want me to wash your car?"

  7. If attempting to barter with him doesn't work ...  Then you basically have 3 options.
  8. (1)    Leave things as they are
    (2)    Walk away from the guy
    (3)    Make it clear that you love his romance and  friendship and love making ...  But that you're going to have to get your  BDSM fix from someone else.

  9. If you hand situation (3) to him and he comes back with "I can't have a sexual relationship with you while someone else is using you as a BDSM plaything" then he has made your decision for you.
  10. It isn't that he doesn't love you.  Simply that he can't love you in a way that can properly satisfy your cravings.

I sincerely hope that this has helped.

Sir Edward of Dragon's Lake

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Further Reading on Relationships (Dating and Communication)

More on Finding Partners

More on Meeting Safety

More on Negotiation

More on Contracts