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Polyamory and BDSM

This used to be the location for "Choices, choices: Polyamory and monogamy in BDSM relationships" by non-famous Lauren. It was part of a series of articles entitled "Out of the Shadows: About BDSM" on the sexuality.org website. I removed the article because of size constraints. The sexuality.org website was retired sometime after 2007.

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A Definition by "non-famous Lauren"

having multiple beloveds (as opposed to "monogamy" -- one marital partner -- or "polygamy" -- multiple marital partners). The word "polyamory" has a different meaning than sexual profligacy, open marriages, and swinging in that polyamory typically refers to having multiple long-term lovers, all of whom know about (though they may or may not be mutually intimate with) each other. The emphases on openness of communication and balancing the multiple commitments is the key feature that distinguishes polyamory from other forms of multiple partnering.

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Further Reading:

The definitive book on Polyamory is The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Possibilities, by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt published by Greenery Press.

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"If you fear lest you may not be perfectly equitable in treating more than one wife, then you shall be content with one."

The Koran - 4:3    


Poly Links

  • AltSex.org: "dedicated to the exploration of the miracle of human sexuality, in all its wonder and diversity."
  • Polyamory.com/: "resources for poly's and those who love them.
  • Polyamory.org/: This is a home page for the Usenet newsgroup alt.polyamory.
  • Poly Texas: Polyamory in Texas -- outside the context of BDSM

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Mailing Lists:

  • BDSM-Polyamory: A very low volume mailing list.
  • BDSMPoly: an unmoderated list for discussion about and between people interested in or practicing both BDSM or D/s, and some form of Polyamory or Polygamy. This is an open topic, anything goes list. If you dislike 'offtopic' posts, long chatty threads and banter, this list may not be the best fit for You.
  • Poly-BDSM: "People living Poly - playing BDSM"

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My Opinion:

While swinging and polyamory are practiced within the scene, they are not intrinsic to BDSM (despite what some people might infere or imply.) As non-famous Lauren writes "polyamory in principle has nothing to do with BDSM ... however, possibly because not all BDSM necessarily involves sexual activity, or possibly because folks who do BDSM tend to be as highly into communication and openness with their partners as those who consider themselves polyamorous, the discussion and practice of polyamory does seem to come up a lot in BDSM." ("Choices, choices: Polyamory and monogamy in BDSM relationships" from part five of Out of the Shadows: About BDSM) Others would argue that swinging and polyamory are mutually exclussive to BDSM -- or at least to submission. (See "Multiple Tops: Master, Mistress and Daddy Makes Three" by Master L.J.E. at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/oldlethr.cfm.) One might ask rhetorically "can you submit completely to one master when you reserve deference to another?" (What's good for the goose, isn't for the gander.) But ultimately participation in any of these consensual forms of adult sexual expression is up to the individuals involved and the choices should be respected as long as they are practiced honestly, responsibly, and with respect.

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The Twelve Chief Rules in Love (Special Poly-BDSM Version)

  1. Thou shalt avoid avarice like the deadly pestilence and shalt embrace its opposite.
  2. Thou shalt keep thyself chaste ^disease free for the sake of her whom thou lovest.
  3. Thou shalt not knowingly strive to break up a correct love affair that someone else is engaged in.
  4. Thou shalt not chose for thy love anyone whom a natural sense of shame forbids thee to marry.
  5. Be mindful completely to avoid falsehood.
  6. Thou shalt not have many who know of thy love affair. Thou shalt not get arrested for public indecency.
  7. Being obedient in all things to the commands of ladies ^dominants, thou shalt ever strive to ally thyself to the service of Love.
  8. In giving and receiving love's solaces let modesty be ever present ^unless commanded to be naked.
  9. Thou shalt speak no evil.
  10. Thou shalt not be a revealer of love affairs.
  11. Thou shalt be in all things polite and courteous.
  12. In practising the solaces of love thou shalt not exceed the desires of thy lover.

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More on Poly on this site

A happy triad

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