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These are guidelines for polite behavior in the BDSM scene. It's based on observations, personal experiences, conversations with peers, mailing list & newsgroup postings,
workshops, web pages, magazine articles, books, and personal mistakes. While some items of higher protocol are covered, these notes are mainly to address the most common social situations.

Play Nice: Some Notes on Scene
Etiquette and Leather Protocol

Version 2.09

By Ambrosio

Version 1.00 first posted May 31, 1999
Version 2.00 first posted May 31, 2005
(formerly entitled "Basic Protocol and Etiquette"
and "Some Notes on Basic Protocol and Etiquette")

This article is dedicated to Beverly M. in Austin

Part 7 of 7:
In Closing

 

In Closing

Summary

In summary -- play nice. BDSM is about playing games, and in the best games everyone has fun.

Further Reading and Sources

This article is only meant to be a starting point. For further study here are books and links:

Further Reading Etiquette in General

• Etiquette by Emily Post: This is an online republication of the 1922 edition of Emily Post's 627-page first edition Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics and at Home (The 1922 edition is the most highly recommended book for High Procotol.)
• U. S. Flag Protocol (Title 4)
• George Washington's "Rules of Civility and Decent Behaviour In Company and Conversation"
• Cardinal Newman On Being a Gentleman
• Passage from Jane Austen's Northhanger Abbey

Further Reading on Etiquette and Protocol in a BDSM and Leather Context

• The Manners and Traditions Section of "Ambrosio's BDSM Site" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/manners.cfm
• "Etiquette for the Scene" by Rose at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/etiquette.cfm
• "Civility and Incivility in the Scene" by Chris M [Black Rose of Washington DC] at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/chrism01.cfm
• "A Proposed 'Pansexual Protocol'" by Ambrosio at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/ppp.cfm
• "To Share or Not to Share?" by Rowan Ste. Julian at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/share.cfm
• "Commandments: Ten Rules for Dominants / Ten Rules for Submissives" (from the SOJ) at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/t10c.cfm
• A Leather Bar Hanky Code at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/hankcode.cfm
• For further reading, there is an etiquette guide for alternative sexuality and lifestyle situtations including but not limited to BDSM: Campbell, Drew, The Bride Wore Black Leather ... and he looked fabulous!   Greenery Press: Emeryville, 2000.

Links About the Old Guard

Acknowledgments (Additional Sources)

• Mistress Constance: A Lecture on Etiquette at the PEER TNG Tea Party. January 24, 2004
• Townsend, Larry. The Leatherman's Handbook: The Silver Jubilee Edition (Masquerade Books: New York, 1997) Introductions by Jack Fritscher, Ph.D., Victor Terry, and John Preston

Even More BDSM Etiquette, Scene Traditions, and Leather Protocol Links

• Please see http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/manners.cfm

Polite Behavior for Vampyres

• "The Black Veil V.2: A Voluntary Code of Conduct for Vampyres/Vampires" by Michelle Belanger at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/blackveil.cfm

Related Articles by Ambrosio

• "Meeting Someone Else into BDSM" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/advice.cfm
• "Some Notes on Safety for Meeting Online and Off" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/safenote.cfm
• "An Open Letter to a Novice Domme" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/openlttr.cfm
• "Perverted Vocabulary: a Glossary of Terms Used in BDSM" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/terms.cfm
• "Some Notes on Netiquette and 'Net Basics" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/noteneti.cfm
• "Marginalia on the Old Guard, Leather Traditions, and BDSM History" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/notetrad.cfm
• "A Proposed 'Pansexual Protocol'" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/ppp.cfm

Recommended Books

• Campbell, Drew and Donna Barr The Bride Wore Black Leather ... And He Looked Fabulous!: An Etiquette Guide for the Rest of Us. (Greenery Press: Emeryville, 2000.)
  This book includes some information on Leather protocol but that is not its main focus. It covers a wide spectrum of alternative lifestyles including but not limited to Pagan, Wiccan, Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered, and Polyamorous. Buy it on Amazon.com
• Post, Emily. Etiquette: The Blue Book of Social Usage
  (The 1922 edition is the most highly recommended book for High Procotol. It's available on-line at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/epost.cfm)
• Schwartz, Oretha D., Service Etiquette 4th edition.
  The definitive book on U.S. military protocol and etiquette. Buy it on Amazon.com
• Townsend, Larry The Leatherman's Handbook: Silver Jubilee Edition. (Larry Townsend Publishing: 2000)
  Both a historical document about the Gay Leather scene in the 1970s and also a useful guide to the leather lifestyle. Buy it on Amazon.com

Reposting Requirements

You're free to copy, distribute, and re-post this article for non-commercial use, provided you:

• Post it in its entirety including the copyright notice and dedication. Graphic images are optional.
• Credit me properly,
• Include a working hyperlink to my website at the bottom of the article, and
• Write me via email with the details (including the URL of the posting.) Use the email address listed at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/email.cfm but please don't post my email address. (I've gone to a lot of trouble to hide it from spammers.)

Additional Articles by Ambrosio

• "Some Notes on Safety for Meeting Online and Off" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/safenote.cfm
  
  
• "Meeting Someone Else into BDSM" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/advice.cfm
  
  
• "An Open Letter to a Novice Domme" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/openlttr.cfm
  
  
• "Perverted Vocabulary: a Glossary of Terms Used in BDSM" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/terms.cfm
  
  
• "Some Notes on Netiquette and 'Net Basics" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/noteneti.cfm
  
  
• "Marginalia on the Old Guard, Leather Traditions, and BDSM History" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/notetrad.cfm
  
  
• "A Proposed 'Pansexual Protocol'" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/ppp.cfm
  
  
• "Polyamory and BDSM" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/polybdsm.cfm
  
  
• "An Open Letter to Law Enforcement" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/forlawen.cfm
  
  
• "Some Criteria for Consensual D/s Contracts" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/contract00.cfm
  
  
• "Kinky Mainstream DVDs" (a critical list) at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/dvds.cfm
  
  
• "Dawn Perlmutter's 'Dark Subculture' Witch Hunt" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/perlmutter.cfm
  
  
• "Anatomy for Flogging: The Back" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/anatomy2.cfm
  
  
• "A Rant on Mentorship" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/mentoring.cfm
  
  
• "A Surprising Discovery" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/surprise.cfm
  
  
• "Is Masochism Addictive?" at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/addiction.cfm