Relationships: Dating and Communication

Safety Concerns When Looking for a Partner

If you are new to this lifestyle and you are looking for a partner, you might read from among these articles.

• Some Notes on Safety for Meeting On-line and Off by Ambrosio
• Ten Tips for the Novice, Single, Heterosexual, Submissive Woman by Jay Wiseman
• Playing and Staying Safe by Gloria Brame
• Safety 101 by Screamer
• Thoughts on Safety by Mistress Constance
• Safecall Guide and Outline by Sir Bamm!
• Ask the Therapist: What Do I Do about a Dangerous Top? by William A. Henkin, Ph.D.
• Sexual Offender Registries are a helpful -- but imperfect -- means of separating the dangerous predators from the safe kinky folk. (Caution: Exclusion in the database is not proof that someone is harmless just as inclusion is not absolute proof that they're dangerous. Also, there are different types of sexual offenders. Someone who had sex with his 17 year old girl friend when he was 19 is not as dangerous as the man who abducted and raped numerous elementary school children when he was 35. But if you confront a sexual offender about his inclusion on the database and ask for his account, don't accept his explanation of the crime without verifying the facts. Criminals tend to lie.)
  • Texas Sexual Offender Database:
  • Texas Sex Offender Registry
• The Texas Attorney General's Information on Stalking
• Internet Safety guidance from the National Domestic Violence Hotline

Advice on Finding a Partner

• Some Notes on Networking, Cruising, and Dating by Ambrosio
• A Surprising Discovery by Ambrosio
• Are you married? Does your spouse know about your interest in BDSM? You're not the first married person to discover this interest. Read Letter to a Friend by Wanderer .. before you go any further.
• Response to a Kinky Woman by Sir Edward of Dragon's Lake
• Finding a partner from the SSB-B (Soc.Subculture.Bondage-Bdsm) FAQ
• How to Spot a Dominant at Ten Paces by Sensuous Sadie from her book It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene.
• Three Essays on Finding a Domme by Ms Margo. While Mr. Wiseman's advice is targeted toward female submissives, Ms. Margo's is aimed toward the male submissive. Despite the difference in perspective both documents are informative to parties of either sex.
• How To Court a Dominant Woman by Laura Goodwin
• I'd also recommend reading at least one of the books in the "Books for Beginners" section of the Books and Magazine page. Learning the Ropes and S&M 101 in particular have a good sections about meeting and negotiating safely.

Communication

• What is Healthy and UnHealthy Communication? Author Unknown
• Sexual healing by By Denise Dowling from Salon.com (Aug. 22, 2001): "According to therapist Bryce Britton, 'sex' is a 13-letter word, and it's spelled 'communication.'"
• Eight Techniques for Maintaining Communication and Trust During a Scene by Chris M

Negotiation

When you've meet someone you like and trust and with whom you wish to play, negotiate your play session first.

• Negotiation in the SSB-B (Soc.Subculture.Bondage-Bdsm) FAQ
• Negotiation and Negotiation Forms by Jay Wiseman
• Negotiations by Sir Bamm!
• Fill out a negotiation form and checklist like the frequently reposted Submissive BDSM Play Partner Check List. In addition to HTML, I've posted it in Word 6 format which prints better. (My thanks to baebe for her work in revising the MS Word doc.)
• Soulhaven's BDSM Checklist: Another online checklist but more extensive, flexible, and dynamic list than mine. The owners write "The BDSM Play Partner Checklist is a convenient way of finding out where someone's interests lie. Just because someone's a Dom/me, it doesn't mean that every sub is perfect for them, or vice-versa. The checklist allows you to let people know both whether or not you've participated in a given activity before and also how you feel about it. It's a great way of getting a basic feel for where someone's limits and squicks lie, though - of course - it's no substitute for taking a lot of time to discover a partner's limits gently and safely and shouldn't be used as such."

Contracts and Collaring Ceremonies

• Some Criteria for Consensual Master-Slave Contacts by Ambrosio
• Sample Consensual "Slavery" Contract
• Temporary Consensual "Slave Contract" by Diane Vera
• Temporary Consensual "Slave Contract" (Author Unknown)
• Contract for Discipline for switchable couples by Don (The Switching Network)

Breaking Up

There seems to be plenty of information available about finding a partner, negotiating play, colaring subs, and signing contracts but information on BDSM break-ups seems scant. Which is a shame. Here's a start.

NOTE: Many of these "Breaking Up" links had been suggested by ariana, a lady from Michigan who taught a workshop entitled "Surviving a D/s Relationship Breakup.". Thank you, ariana.

• Dumped by your Dom? By Dorothy C. Hayden, CSW. A psychotherapist looks at why 'breaking up is hard to do' in a B&D Relationship and how to survive the split.
• Ask the Therapist: How Do I End a Relationship? by William A. Henkin, Ph.D.: A therapist answers the question "As a submissive, how do I end a D&S relationship without seriously damaging my dominant's ego?"
• Coping with Release: The End of the D/s Relationship by Mistress Steel
• Book: If the Buddha Dated  by Charlotte Kasl. (New York: Penguin Books, 1999): "In this practical, playful, and spiritual guide, Dr. Kasl shows readers what it would be like to have the ancient wisdom of the Buddha to guide them through the dating process. Kasl brings a compassionate understanding to the anxiety and uneasiness of new love, and helps readers discover their potential for vibrant human connection based on awareness, kindness, and honesty."

Building Long Term Relationships

Getting down to making relationship actually work,   I have to recommend this book: Baldwin, Guy, MS. Ties That Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style: Issues, Commentaries and Advice   Daedalus Publishing Co.: San Francisco, 1993. It's a wonderful collection of very well written and accessible essays covering the interpersonal aspects of the S&M scene. Guy Baldwin is both a psychotherapist and an experienced player. While the essays were originally written for a gay male S&M magazine, his excellent insights and advice have universal application. It's one of those books you want to share with your friends as soon as you've finished reading it. His essay on the Old Guard is posted in the "History and Protocol" section of this site.

Elsewhere on EvilMonk.org

• Etiquette for the Scene by Rose in the History and Protocol section. This is essential reading if you plan on meeting people at munches or play parties.
• Polyamory and BDSM in the History and Protocol section: the choice to practice responsible non-monogamy