Letter to a friend ...
I have Wander's permission to post this letter to his married friend.
Subject: Letter to a friend ..
Date & Time: 2002-01-30 20:39:21-05
I've been thinking about your last email to me .. trying to find the right words to say. I don't know that I've found them .. but will give it a shot. Understand .. I make no judgment here .. please.
Although unique .. you are at the same time not unlike many women who have found BDSM through the medium of cyber .. in your circumstance. Many are married/partnered .. and many of those are in the situation of having to conceal this new found knowledge from their mates. Also many of those have lost .. or left .. their mates because of it. Some ended up devastated .. some happier than ever before. Many of their mates .. having only a media knowledge of BDSM .. think "it is sick and twisted etc. etc. " The point .. be really clear on just what your priorities are!
I fully understand the "rush" you experienced .. finding that place where you "finally fit in". And indeed wonderful to find that you are not an "outcast". That emotion you feel .. is also not uncommon. I can only sympathize with the push/pull you must be experiencing at the same time. On one hand .. the exhilaration of finding all this .. the other hand having to hide it from the one you have chosen to share your life with. That can not be in a good place to be in!
Know this .. if you continue down the path of self discovery through BDSM .. you put your marriage at risk! Do not forget that as you travel this road. Anytime something is purposely withheld from ones partner .. it causes a fracture. If not addressed that fracture grows & the soon there is a chasm. Often that chasm can not be closed .. and the couple separate completely. You really need to be clear if you can accept the possibility of that happening.
If you can .. then I have no more advice. If you can't .. then I suggest you either limit yourself in how far you peruse this path .. or find a way to communicate to your partner your needs.
What do I mean by .. limit yourself? I mean .. take it no further that reading about it .. discussing it in cyber among peers. Learn your own personal likes/dislikes. I would not suggest taking a cyber Top .. nor doing any sort of cyber BDSM beyond serving or perhaps sitting at ones feet while conversing.
I realize that it's easier said than done .. to communicate your needs to a partner that is adamant in their distaste for BDSM. But bottom line is that if you wish to remain in your relationship & also give expression to your deep seated needs .. you have no choice .. you'll have to find a way. Hopefully you have a partner that holds their want to be with you as top priority as well .. and he will be open to listening. If you & he are into role play .. perhaps you could suggest a night of Sultan/Harem girl .. Owner/slave etc. .. as a way to open the door to dialogue. Prepare a great meal for him .. serve him .. sit at his feet as he eats .. cater to him. Be dressed in his favorite sexy outfit .. if he doesn't have one .. then yours. After dinner .. bathe him & give him a massage or rub his feet .. all the time telling him you belong to him .. how much you desire his touch .. and on and on. Then take him .. if he hasn't taken you by now .. to the bedroom or his favorite spot to "do it" .. and .. "do it"! Perhaps this will show him that what you seek has a place in your relationship.. and you can begin to discuss these needs that burn away at you. Simply a suggestion.
I realize that I've jumped in here .. but it truly troubles me to see folks .. both men & women in this situation .. and felt the need to speak my thoughts on it .. now on to other things .....