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You've Realized You're a Dominant Woman. What Now?

Posted with the permission of the author

There are some things that a responsible Domina needs to think about, understand, and accept before taking on a sub or slave.

What sort of Domina are you?

What´s your approach? Are you a cold, distant Bitch Goddess who feels men are inferior? Or are you a warm, cuddly Domme who feels that punishment is necessary, but not enjoyable? Different approaches attract different men. If you´re not comfortable with donning spike heels and telling a sub to worship them, don´t. But don´t imply that sort of thing turns you on.

Accept your flaws. Be honest about them.

Just because you like being called Goddess doesn´t mean you are one. You´re human, and as a human, you´ll make mistakes. These could range from an error in etiquette to a kidney shot to hurting your sub´s feelings. Learn to apologize – and mean it. You´ll be a better person, and a better Dominant, if you do.

Do you have a space for play?

Do you have a room you can convert into a personal dungeon? Do you know if there is a public dungeon in your area? If so, where? Is it equipped? Do you have a first aid kit handy? Or are you more interested in using whatever space you have available? You don´t have to have a fully equipped dungeon with a rack to be a good Domina.

Do you want to use toys?

I cannot emphasize this enough. If you are going to physically top a person, KNOW THY TOYS. Don´t think that as a Dominant, bottoming to learn the effects of your toys will diminish you. I tend to have less respect for Dominants, male or female, who steadfastly refuse to have even the mildest flogging for fear of looking “submissive”. Insecurity isn´t a pretty or attractive trait in a Domme. Practice, practice, practice. Learn how to swing a flogger… where to place a clothespin… how to tie a knot. Practice until you can use them in your sleep. Then practice some more. And if you make a mistake? Its okay! You´re human. Watch his body language, and listen to his breathing.

What sort of title do you demand?

You don´t have to demand to be called Mistress by every slave tom, sub dick, and bottom harry (or hairy bottom) that you might run into. In fact, a lot of Dommes don´t require that at all.  I don´t even particularly enjoy being called Ma´am when I´m in top mode, unless its by someone I have a long standing D/s relationship with. They call me “Rowan”, otherwise. However, a title between you and your bottom might be a way to set the scene, and get into the space it sometimes requires. Any title you assume has its own implications, and its wise to understand them before you sit down and call yourself “Lady Mistress SoandSo the Goddess”.

Accept your bottom/sub/slave´s essential humanity. And your own.

There will be times when one, or the other, or neither of you are in the mood; kids screaming, a bad day at work, cramps, or he got whacked in the package during a softball game. Try to have contingency plans. Cuddle. Cook together, watch a movie, discuss the day. Be loving, or at least cordial to each other, and you´ll both be happier.

Respect him!

He´s a human too. His submission does not make him weak in the least. It takes a great deal of inner strength to try to make oneself into a submissive who pleases Dominants. If you find you can´t respect him, you probably shouldn´t be his Domina. Humiliation and depersonalization play is great in scene, but can quickly become abuse if it supersedes established limits.

What do you want in your bottom/sub/slave?

Do you want a pretty boy? A sissy maid? A pony, a puppy, a chair? Be aware of your desires, because it will ease the process of finding that special bottom. Do you want a 24/7 relationship? Are you ready for that commitment? Or do you just want someone to spank occasionally? Be realistic. If you´re not comfortable with control outside a scene, its unlikely that you´ll want a slave. Of course, things change; a great many good Dommes started as Tops, and found themselves increasingly comfortable with accepting services.

Be aware of HIS limits.

As a Dominant, you have to communicate with your sub or slave at all times. Does he have any physical impairments that might prevent a certain type of play? Does he have a communicable disease? Does he react poorly to certain types of play? Understand which of his limits are hard and unbreakable, and which are expandable.

Be aware of YOUR limits.

Just as important as your bottom´s limits are your own. Don´t like toilet play? Don´t do it, and tell your partner that is a limit. Its difficult, sometimes, to admit that something that kinks your bottom makes you queasy at best.  But resenting your bottom for something you do for him is not a good way to continue or maintain a relationship.

Last but not least?

Remember that being Dominant is not a selfish power-play. Having a partner who relies on you is an occasionally awesome responsibility that can bring as much effort as it does joy. There will be times that you are overwhelmed by the idea that your slave views you as a huge figure… and times that you are proud of yourself for learning so much. Because you can never stop learning, and you never should.

Remember that the cornerstones of this lifestyle are communication, trust, and honesty. You should never lie to make yourself look better, because people WILL call you on any falsehood they see on you. This is largely a lifestyle of image – and a bad one can sometimes be impossible to escape. Do NOT slander another person, do not denigrate a submissive for not groveling to you. Do not assume that your Dominance makes you special – make yourself special by being an essentially good person. This does not mean “Don´t be a sadist” or “Don´t be cruel”… it means knowing when to be a facet of the Goddess, and when to be a living, breathing human, possibly with halitosis and an ugly mole, but lovable and approachable.

With well wishes and many hopes for your future path in this life,


(Please note: I wrote this from the perspective of a woman dominating a man. This advice can just as easily be translated into M/m, F/f, M/f. Substitute your appropriately-gendered pronouns where necessary.)

© copyright 2002 by Rowan Ste. Julian. All rights reserved.

Webmaster's Note: For more advice on this subject, view "An Open Letter to a Novice Domme" by Ambrosio at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/openlttr.cfm .

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